The Pain of Losing an Unborn Child

I absolutely deplore the term “lost a baby.”

I remember hearing my husband relay the information of my first miscarriage to family. He said the words, “Alison lost the baby.”

When I heard those words I felt immediate guilt and responsibility for my baby’s death. Just like you lose your wallet, your phone or your ring. When you lose something, you lose that item due to negligence.

the pain of miscarriage

However, I was not negligent about my little one. His upcoming arrival consumed the majority of my thoughts. I loved him even though I had never heard him laugh or touched his face. He had already secured my love and devotion.

Before I experienced a miscarriage I always thought it was sad, but not a huge obstacle or trial in life. For that reason I am glad God allowed me to experience that pain. Had I not, I could never really reach out to other women who are suffering today.

During the past 14 years of marriage, I had to cope with losing an unborn child four times, and every time was difficult.

But the second loss was at 19 weeks and it was the toughest.

My husband and I, with three kids in tow, were traveling in Western New York. Our home, family and friends were 12 hours away.

I had just tucked all the kids into bed when I noticed I was spotting. I knew what this could mean and began crying. Sometimes you just know when something is wrong, don’t you?

After I regained my compsure, I found my husband and said two words he had already heard before.

“I’m spotting.”

He knew what this could mean. Pain. Death. Grief. Sadness. It was all possibly in the very near future.

We packed up and headed to the hospital.

At the hospital, the baby’s death was confirmed and I was told they would need to induce labor. I felt so ill prepared for labor, but here it was facing me and there was no excitement, no friends or family waiting to greet the little one and no smile on my doctors or nurses faces. It was a very grim time.

The labor pains began, and my little one was born.

how to cope with losing an unborn child

In case you have never experienced a miscarriage, or late miscarriage, I want to let you in on a little secret that no one told me before I experienced it.

The doctors and the nurses never warned me about this and I had to find out through personal experience. I want to save other moms that pain and get the messages to their families about whay they actually experience.

It is very painful. You lose lots of blood and quickly become weak.

It’s not, “Oh, the baby died,” and it’s over. No, once you are faced with the tragic news of your unborn baby, then you have to battle labor pains, contractions and lots of pain.

I have gone through labor six times — without any medication. Labor is horrible pain and lasts way too long, but in the end there is a bundle of joy to replace your pain. When you know beforehand that there will be no bundle to hold, the pain is devastating. It takes incredible strength to deal with the labor on top of the emotional weakness and pain you feel as well. There is no light at the end of this tunnel. When everything is finally over, you have to return home with empty hands.

When my tiny one was born, I was too distraught to hold him. I do wish I had held him, but at that point, I couldn’t find the strength to do it.

My husband held him gently in his hand, and he fit perfectly. He was super-tiny and his fingers and toes were perfectly formed.

After two days in the hospital I was released and given special care instructions.

When we returned to our children, they ran out to greet me with smiles and hugs.

“Mommy, did you bring the baby home?” My almost-three-year old excitedly questioned.

I choked back a few tears and answered, “No sweetie. The baby’s not coming home.” She looked confused, but then ran back to play with her friends.

The first few days home from the hospital were full of ups and downs.

The baby’s burial date loomed in the near future. Taking that next step would be another harsh reminder that I would never hear my little one’s voice, laugh or feel his arms around my neck.

But, with God’s grace, I made it through that experience. But, oh the unexpected flood of emotions and grief that still laid ahead!

Just a few days after the baby’s burial, I began to blame myself for his death.

“It’s all my fault! I drank caffeine!” ran through my mind several times. I couldn’t even look at a can of Coke without tearing up.

I even went through the denial process of grief. So weird how that happened.

I dreamed about my little one and cried out to God to help me get up and move on. My family needed me and I still had three beautiful kids to take care of.

As God always does, He comforted me through His Word. Though I appreciated the calls, visits and hugs, I found the greatest comfort in His Word. Pamphlets the hospital gave me to help me deal with grief only placed a band-aid on my deep wound. However, God’s Word went down into my wound, cleansed it and cured it.

Later on, I was able to hug many of my friends and relatives and tell them, “I know your pain. I understand your pain. God can give you the same comfort He gave me.”

If you are a Christian, use your trials in life as stepping stones to reach the hurting you meet along the way. It always makes things better when someone can sit beside you and whisper as you sob, “I know. I know.”

For those of us who have lost little ones before they trode this earth, this anonymously written poem may help encourage you today. We can all praise the Lord for the fact that our precious treasures did not have to face sin, despair and all the pain that comes along with living in a fallen body in a fallen world. Take joy in knowing that your little one is in God’s arms and that just as David said in God’s word, one day you can go to him! (II Samual 12:23)

Precious Little One

I`m just a precious little one
who didn’t make it there.
I went straight to be with Jesus,
but I`m waiting for you here.
Many dwelling here where I live
waited years to enter in.
Struggled through a world of sorrow,
a world marred with pain and sin.
Thank you for the life you gave me;
it was brief but don’t complain.
I have all Heaven`s Glory,
suffered none of earth’s great pain.
Thank you for the name you gave me.
I’d have loved to bring it fame.
But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows,
I would have suffered just the same.
So sweet family—don`t you sorrow.
Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
I went straight to Jesus’ arms
from my loving Mother’s womb.

~Author Unknown

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  1. says

    I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this Alison. I can’t imagine what it’s like, but I’m so glad you were able to find comfort in our Savior. My mom lost two babies after my brother – I know it was tough on my parents. Now, my mom is thankful that God blessed her with two healthy children.

    • says

      Yes Lauren. It really makes you thankful for the children you get to enjoy here on this earth. I am thankful I still have chubby little hands to wrap around my neck and sweet little lips to plant a big kiss on my cheek. Children are such a blessing from the Lord and it is hard to lose them…but God’s grace is ALWAYS sufficient!

  2. Sharon says

    Thank you Alison for your open and heartfelt telling of this sorrowful time in your life! Thank you for sharing your pain with the rest of us in such a honest way, and for bringing us back to Gods Word and the comfort it brings in times of grief!

    • says

      So sweet of you to visit and comment Sharon! I am glad if this post helps people in someway better understand what their loved ones or friends experience with miscarriages.

  3. Debbie Williams says

    Beautiful post and I so understand much of what you went through. I lost at least 4 babies, but eventually carried two with my daughter coming 9 weeks early and spending several months in the ICU. But eventually, I was able to give God the glory and I finally blogged about it.
    It’s hard, the labor is hard, not knowing is hard, but now I see my daughter going through fertility and she has no hope and even with a fertility specialist has been unable to conceive. Birth is truly a miracle many people don’t realize.

  4. says

    Hi! I followed you over from New Nostalgia blog hop. Thank you for sharing this. It almost brought me to tears to read this. I am so sorry that happened to you and your family, and know it sadly happens to many families. Again, thanks for sharing. Now following via G+.

  5. Jo Ann says

    Allison, I lost my first baby 50 years ago and a year later lost my 2nd one. There is no devastation like losing your longed for baby and then going home empty! God is so gracious. The very next year, our 3rd pregnancy graciously produced a baby boy. What a joy to finally have one that I could hold and cuddle and sing to. After he was born, the Dr. told us we’d never be able to have another baby. Our God loves surprises and 9 years later, we had another son! Because of the great possibility of me dying from another pregnancy, (I have inherited high blood pressure which caused pre-eclampsia in all four pregnancies and my husband had been told with both babies that he had a 50/50 chance of losing both his wife and the baby)I had surgery to prevent another pregnancy. What a painful decision. I remember finally coming home from the hospital and standing in the shower and crying until I thought I’d never have another tear. The thought of never feeling that first movement and the sweet kicks and the preciousness of nursing my baby was overwhelming! I am now 73 years old and there’s seldom a day goes by that my Darrell and Melody aren’t in my thoughts. I’ve had the privilege of ministering to hundreds of women like you and I through my Operation Angel ministry. I’ve been privileged to send healing packets to places such as: England, New Zealand, South Africa, Australia, Puerto Rico, Canada, and almost every state in America. This would never have been possible had I not experienced the pain and anguish that others would have to face. It’s one thing to try to tell someone that “everything will be alright and God is still on His Throne” when you have no idea what you’re talking about. But when God has allowed us to experience this, we can share from our own testimony that “We know God is on His Throne and He will get you through this because He did it for me”! What a blessing for you to have your 6 precious ones. Our two sons have given us 6 grandchildren, 5 are sweet little girls and our marvelous grandson who loves the Lord with all his heart! We also have 3 great-grandchildren, 1 girl and 2 boys. Thank you for sharing your story. As I was replying to you, the reality of my pain came rushing over me even after 49 and 50 years. May our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ bless you as only He can and thank you for reading this much too long post and allowing me to share my heart. We not only share the bond of Christ, but of having experienced that same pain and I feel that all who have gone through this are “sisters and daughters” to me. *A side note, both sons are involved in ministry!

    • says

      Dear Jo Ann,
      Thanks for taking time and sharing your story. It helps us to be able to hear each other’s stories and how God worked a miracle of healing in our hearts. Praise the Lord for two boys that are involved in the ministry! I hope and pray that will be my testimony one day! It is amazing to have someone who had a miscarriage 50 years ago to take time to relate to ladies that have experience one this year, yet we all know the same pain and the same Great God that can give us amazing comfort. I know it took time out of your day to write your comment, but I am glad you did!
      Keep in touch:)

  6. says

    Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve not been through a miscarriage but I can imagine it would be so difficult, especially to not have family and friends around. I know so many woman who have been through a miscarriage. I wish it was a more open and talked about topic as I know so many who struggle alone or struggle because in general we don’t talk about it in our society.
    Thanks so much for sharing and for linking up at Real Family Fun.
    Take care,

  7. kelly says

    Thank you for sharing your story! But, I am confused at the part of the story where you reference your Catholic doctor and then mention Christians as a separate category. Don’t Catholics “put their faith in Christ” as you say you hope she did? Thanks in advance for your reply :-)

    • says

      Hi Kelly!
      So glad you stopped by and visited! Thanks for commenting.
      The reason I categorized Catholic and Christian separately in my post is because the Bible speaks of only one kind of Christian. This kind is not Presbyterian, Baptist, Catholic, Mormon or any other denomination. The kind spoken of in the Scripture is the person that has put their total faith and trust in Jesus Christ, and Him alone, for their eternal life, through His sacrificial death in our place and his resurrection. Though the same terms are often used, It is a well-known and open fact that Catholicism teaches that the grace of God comes by means of, or via, various things, such as good works and various sacraments (baptism, communion, etc.), making them necessary for salvation. The Bible knows no such requirements for eternal life. God’s Word is clear that salvation is a free gift of God that must and can only be received by simple faith and trust in Christ and His blood. Because the term “Christian” first appeared in the Bible, and those that belonged to Christ were called by this name, it is only proper that those in our time that have trusted in Christ in like manner should be called the same. If I can answer any more questions or you would like to discuss this further with me feel free to email me at I love opportunities to discuss the Lord Jesus Christ! I also love opportunities to connect with my readers! Thank so much for writing.

      • Emilie Chiozza says

        Hi! I originally read your post because I too have had miscarriages, and I am sorry for your loss. I, myself, converted to Catholicism last October. I am constantly learning new information about my faith because there is so much history. The word Catholic or Katholic as it was originally spelled means universal, as in Christ’s one universal Church. This term was originally used to identify Christ’s Church by Ignatius of Antioch (a disciple of the beloved John who was present at the crucifixion) in the first 100 years after Christ’s death. The Catholic Church is the only Church created by Jesus Christ. All others are created by men. I am not sure how much your Catholic doctor knew about their faith, but sadly most Catholics don’t know enough to explain it to fellow Christians. I don’t know if you are trying to say that it is the wrong faith, but I really wish you would do some research. I did and it caused me to convert. The bible was written by Catholics. Catholics are Christians. I pray that you do some research on the early Church. If you are interested to know some good Biblical sources, I will be happy to give them to you. You can contact me at

        • says

          Hi Emilie!

          Thanks for stopping by.
          I try to be honest as possible in my posts, yet kind and sensitive as well. I was overjoyed to have the opportunity to share my faith with the doctor. I base my beliefs on the Bible that teaches in Titus 3:5-7,” Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost; Which he shed on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Saviour; That being justified by his grace, we should be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”

          Also, Acts 4:12 states,”Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.”

          Any religion that teaches there is some other way to obtain salvation, except through belief and faith in Jesus Christ, and him alone, is not teaching the gospel. Jesus Christ commanded his disciples to go into all the world and teach the gospel. I feel it is my responsibility to get the good news that when Jesus Christ, who was sinless and God in the flesh, died on the cross, that his death and blood paid for man’s sin. Not only that, but Jesus arose from the grave and lives forevermore–on the right hand of the Father. It is He, Jesus, that brings us salvation. We cannot obtain salvation from sin by good works that could include, baptism, prayers and catechisms. Doing good works could never outdo all the laws and commandments of God that we have broken. But coming to God through His beloved Son Jesus Christ is enough and the ONLY way someone can obtain salvation from sin and hell. When people asked Jesus the way to heaven his answer was this in John 14:6,”I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. no man cometh to the Father but by me.”

          Emilie, if you want to know for sure you are going to heaven, your only hope is Jesus Christ. He loves you and wants to be your Savior! God requires us to repent of belief that we can earn our way to heave through religion, a church, prayers, charities and good works. God gave his only begotten Son as a sacrifice for our sin, why would anyone try to reject His gift and desire to earn their own way to heaven, when it is impossible. Emilie, you will never stop sinning and breaking God’s laws, but Jesus never broke one and did only those things that pleased the Father. Consider the basic laws of the ten commandments. Not lying, have you done that or do you still? Coveting? God tells us if we break any part of the law, we are guilty of it all. However, he loved us so much that he provided a payment for our sin so we would not have to spend an eternity in a place called Hell. He provided His Son Jesus Christ.

          Feel free to email me with any more questions or comments at alison.pintsizedtreasures at I would love to have another opportunity to speak with you about the joy of having your sins forgiven and knowing the Creator God in a personal relationship.

          Thanks again for visiting and commenting.

  8. says

    Thank you for this post. I especially liked the poem at the bottom. We just miscarried for the second time about 4 weeks ago. This time was a lot harder than the first because I actually saw this baby. My first was what the medical world calls a ‘blighted ovum.’ Anyway, I’m still going through the ups and downs and trying to press on, but man it can be tough some days. Thank you for sharing your story with transparency.
    P.S> I hate the term “lost the baby” too. I have a friend (who has miscarried and had a still birth) tell me that that term is wrong because if we’ve “lost” something then that implies that we don’t know where it is. But I know that those sweet babies are safe in the arms of Jesus :)

    • says

      Amber I am so sorry for your loss! I know the Lord can strengthen and uplift you through His word. It is absolutely comforting to know that our little ones went straight to be with the Lord and did not have to endure hardships or sadness in this world. Nevertheless, I still feel like I have missed out on those special moments seeing them grow up, but I am thankful for the children I do get to raise here on earth and hope and pray that I do a great job. Thank you so much for stopping by and I hope that somehow and someway that little post I wrote helped encourage you to find comfort in the only One who can give use true healing and comfort, Jesus Christ. I am so thankful you took time to visit!

  9. says

    I’m so very sorry. I have been through this also, and there are just no words to do the experience justice. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Also, I’m featuring your post at The Tuesday Baby Link Up today. So many mamas go through this, and stories like this help them no to feel alone. <3

  10. Jessica B. says

    I had 3 very painful misscarriages before I had my 3 miracles ages: 5,3 and 2.. That time of my life was so difficult to endure. Living with and seeing my healthy children now ; so caught up in the crazy chaos that is life with children…its easy to forget that time of my life. And all I suffered. The emotional pain….during that period of my life I cried some of the most heart wrenching tears. I am reminded of that period in time and feel so blessed for all I have now. It took a LONG time to get to the point of being able to talk about it without the tears so close to the surface.I am healed now. And I truly believe I will meet those sweet angels again. I think its so important to talk about this. I don’t think its talked about enough. I remember one of the hardest parts was no one talked about it…and that felt so isolating. So thanks for writing this.

    • says

      So glad this post could be a blessing to you. I agree that it can be an isolating time. Most people just don’t know what to say and most don’t really understand what a woman goes through. For that reason, i am glad that I did go through the trial of having a miscarriage—several times. Now, I can help and encourage others as they walk through the same valley.

  11. says

    Thanks for sharing. I co-host the Saturday Pin-it party, and your title caught my eye…I’ve suffered two miscarriages in the last four months. The last one (which I blogged about extensively) was a rare, ectopic miscarriage in my abdomen. The biggest fear/struggle for me has been wondering if I will go through that again… Anyways, thanks for sharing your story. Blessings to you.

  12. dj says

    What a beautiful Poem.i had my 2nd miscarriage yesterday and I am so numb.just cant get back to normal.have a huge fibroid which is preventing me from conceiving.i hope I could have been healthy to bring him to this world so blaming me

    • says

      My heart aches for you. I am so sorry for your loss. No, it is NOT your fault. Take comfort in knowing that your little one is in heaven and enjoying the presence of God. I will pray for your recovery! Hugs and prayers to you!

  13. Jennifer says

    Just saw this post on Facebook today and wanted to say Thank You. Tears flowed as I remembered my three little ones. Getting married at an advanced age, my husband & I did not want to wait to try to have children. Within our first year of marriage, I had 2 early miscarriages. The following year, I had to deliver my daughter at 18 weeks. I found out that she had passed during a routine Doctor visit and I delivered her several days later being induced at the hospital. My husband and I did hold her and named her Angel Rose. I do regret not taking pictures of her as it is getting harder to remember her beautiful facial features as the years go by.
    We have now been married just over 5 years and sadly, I have not been able to get pregnant again. My heart longs for a newborn, so we have been trying to adopt locally, but that is not going well either. During the adoption process, we had to go through certain classes which included information on adopting through Foster Care. That was also pursued, but we were turned down for certain biblical beliefs. There was definitely no interest in becoming foster parents.
    Fast forward 2 1/2 years, still no adoption and somehow God has changed my heart. We have now become Foster Parents and currently have 2 beautiful little girls in our care. Fostering is a lot of work and nothing what I had ever imagined. It is also wonderful knowing we have the opportunity to impact these little girls lives for however long we have them for.
    I still long for a newborn of my own and at times feel jealous of others who so seem to get pregnant so easily. I sometimes question why I haven’t been able to carry a baby of my own, but I do have to trust God’s Will for my life even though I may not see the reasons or end result at this time.
    Thank you again for sharing your story and the raw emotions felt by those of us who do not get to raise these sweet babies.

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