Wives Should Avoid This Question
As wives, we all make mistakes.
But, a few weeks ago I was floored.
There was a Facebook group where Christian women were discussing a question that wives should never ask themselves.
Not only was I floored by the woman that posed the question, but I was even more shocked by the responses from the other Christian women.
Normally I stay out of controversial, opinionated threads on Facebook.
I think they’re time-wasterers and emotional roller coasters.
But this time, I couldn’t let it slide…
In fact, after I finished up several conversations with ladies in the group, I left.
Many of them were involved in dangerous, unhealthy thoughts about their marriages and I didn’t want to be a part of it.
I stayed in the group to help and to hopefully offer a mom advice for her journey, but this was the last straw.
You simply cannot help people who are convinced they are right and won’t listen to anyone reasoning with them — even someone who cares about their marriage.
They were discussing the question that I firmly believe a wife should never ask herself.
Here’s the question ladies, and please, don’t go down the irreparable road of pondering the answer and what if’s of this question:
“Would I have married my husband if I knew what I know now?”
And their answers were filled with derogatory comments about their husbands.
They began to contemplate the “what ifs”
Then that led to…
“What if I had married the other guy…”
“What if I had stayed single…”
Here’s the raw truth about marriage.
Marriage is made up of two sinners — Christian or non-Christian — it’s still made up of two people who live in sinful flesh.
Because of that one fact alone, bumpy roads will come and many times you will feel like you’re losing your footing.
When wives begin questioning what would have happened if they had just married someone else, there is rarely, IF EVER, good that comes out of the situation.
In fact, some women may become so infatuated with a false dream or reality of what a different marriage may look like that they would consider leaving…because of that ONE question they decided to ask themselves one day.
Why Wives Should Not Ask That Question
But God’s plan, for most marriages, is for husbands and wives to stay together and work things out.
Through the good, bad, and the ugly.
No matter what “would have been” or “could have been.”
Because you already made your choice.
You already said “I will” or “I do.”
There is no going back.
Jesus himself said “What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Mark 19:5)
The Apostle Paul also said in I Corinthians, “And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband:”
That’s pretty clear.
Now, for women who are struggling in an physically abusive relationship in which their life is in danger, you truly need to get help. I’m not saying to walk away from your marriage, but do find a safe place for you and your children until issues can be resolved. You do need to get away from a man who puts your life and your children’s lives in danger, but even in those difficult circumstances God can still work. But until something changes, get you and your children to safety.
Marriage is Hard Work
Some time ago I was counseling a friend about her marriage.
She brought up the very thought the ladies in the Facebook group were discussing.
She was venting to me her frustrations in her marriage and telling me how she felt like she was her husband’s room mate instead of his wife.
She began to say, “I often wonder if I would have married him if I knew what I know now.”
Because I cared for her, and because I cared for her family, I spoke up and said, “Don’t even think that. Do not go down that road. It will only hurt your marriage.”
And dear wife that is reading this right now, that is the truth.
Instead of thinking about the “what ifs” why not think about how you as a wife, through God’s strength, can change your marriage for the better.
Yes, it can be happily ever after.
I’ll let you in on some super-personal thoughts and prayers of mine for my marriage.
I’ve been deeply hurt in my marriage, and I’ve hurt my husband as well.
And right now, our marriage doesn’t look like what my husband expected it to look like, I’m sure.
You see I’m in the bed about 75% of the time as I struggle with chronic illness.
I still cling to hope that I will find something that helps my body get over whatever glitch is keeping me weak and in pain.
But my husband and I don’t “go there.”
We don’t discuss the “what ifs.”
We take each day, with the good and the bad, and pray through it…together.
And even though it’s tough running two businesses and managing a family of 8 with a parent with chronic health issues, we do it hand in hand.
Before my health issues began we faced other marital storms…
Facing four miscarriages, living in a third world country, living on the road with small children, raising six kids on a tiny budget, extended family drama, and many other outside stresses sprinkled our first 15 years of marriage.
We’ve had moments of gloom, but we’ve also had moments where we felt like we were halfway to heaven — not because we were rich, but because our love and affection was overflowing for each other.
So in those difficult moments when I begin to drown in sad thoughts about our petty arguments, I pray things like this:
“Dear God, I ask you to renew a strong love in my heart for my husband. Help me to see the amazing man he is. Help me to see his wonderful attributes and look past his faults. Help me to love him because you love me. Help me not only to keep my promise to him and you, but to desire to keep that promise with every bit of my being. Help me to have those butterflies and romantic emotions once again. Help me to love being his wife. Help my focus to be making him happy. Help me not to focus on him making me happy.
Then in return, I pray for him.
“Dear God, please help my husband to experience an overflow of affection in his heart for me. Help him to be so blinded by his love for me that he is almost unaware of my failures, though they be many. Help him to stay faithful to his promises to me in our marriage. Help me to love me as Christ loved the church. Help him to see our marriage as utmost importance, only after his relationship with you. Please God, help our marriage be something amazingly wonderful.
And you know what?
God does answer those prayers.
He has done it over and over and over again.
Why does he have to do it over and over again?
Because marriage is made up of two imperfect people who always struggle with putting others first, and themselves last.
Dear Wife, Don’t Ask Yourself This Question
Dear wife, don’t ask yourself if you would marry your husband again.
That question doesn’t even matter because you are married now.
There are no outs.
There are no other options — not if you want to please God in your marriage and life.
Trust me, if you follow those thoughts and answer no, those thoughts will only lead you to one final road — divorce.
And that road?
It’s a road paved with destruction for your family, your church, and even your friends.
I see so many families fall apart and not one can put the pieces back together.
When they try, it’s still mangled, confusing and painful.
So dear wife who may be struggling in her love for her husband today, may I encourage you to never ask that dangerous question.
Instead, fill your thoughts with prayers and love for your husband.
Think about his cute smile, his love for his children, his diligence in providing for the family, his sense of humor.
Take out your wedding and engagement pictures and reminisce about those special moments.
Drool over the sweetness of him holding your child for the first time.
Think about how you two, out of your mutual love for each other, created a beautiful, tiny human being who would carry your husband’s name, your curly brown hair and his oh-so-gorgous blue eyes.
Yes, dear wife, those are the thoughts that should be filling your mind and heart.
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May your thoughts today be full of love and admiration!
