How to Throw The Worst “First” Birthday Party — EVER

Is your child about to celebrate the very first of firsts? You know — the epic “first” birthday party? I bet you are super excited about this one — and your baby is too, right? That’s why I’ve compiled a list of how you can throw the worst “first” birthday party ever! Why? Because you want this special day to be memorable – and memorable it WILL be!

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How to Throw the Worst “First” Birthday Party

  • Schedule the party during your child’s nap time. Before you seal those birthday invites, make sure you check and double check the time. You want to pick the worst time possible so your baby will be super cranky and cry during all the birthday adventures. If she naps or cries through the party, there will still be extra cake for you and your friends!
  • Insist that your baby wear that crazy, cone-shaped hat. It’s only a few minutes on this momentous day and you need a cute pic to put on Facebook and Instagram. Yes, MAKE your child wear that uncomfortable, chin-squeezing trap for just a few minutes. It makes the crankies come out of anyone!
  • Make sure the party is super-loud. Loud music, noise makers and screaming kids are all welcome to this festivity. Pay no attention to the birthday child when she looks overwhelmed from all the noise. Just keep smiling like this is the best party e-vah!
  • Starve the birthday child until the party. Little ones must learn to wait to eat with everyone else. Party guests late? Your now one-year-old has to wait so the pretty party food isn’t messed up. You don’t want anyone walking in while your child is snacking in the high chair. How rude!
  • Invite everyone you know. Co-workers, neighbours, distant cousins and all your Facebook “friends” should be invited to this once in a lifetime occasion. Your baby will thank you for it! All the laughter, noise, people, and getting passed around from one family member to the next is definitely the key to throwing the worst “first” birthday party ever.
  • worst birthday party ever for a toddler

  • Try to please all the kids in attendance. Johnny wants apple juice, Ellie wants lemonade, Sarah prefers chocolate milk and Landon only drinks water. Make sure every teeny, tiny guest gets exactly what she wants — even if you have to send a family member to the convenience store to grab what the little monster munchkin wants.
  • Make sure the party is extra long. Two hours parties are completely overrated. This is a special day! Make sure your party is at least four hours long and send everyone down guilt-trip avenue who try to sneak out before the “official” time of the party is over.
  • Tell your one-year-old to open gifts slowly and systematically. Remember, every moment is a teaching moment. Don’t let your child rip into her presents or even rip some here and rip some there. There is a system to everything — even unwrapping gifts!
  • Plan games where there are losers. Who cares if toddlers hate losing? They have to learn how to cope with real life, and the “first” birthday party is the perfect time to learn the important life lesson of winning and losing. Best game ever for toddlers? Musical chairs. Oh yeah. They’ll love that one!
  • Hire a clown. No, no — not your goofy brother — but a professional clown. Kids LOVE having a complete stranger, who’s wearing crazy make-up and extra-large shoes, squirt their faces with water! Let the smiles begin!
  • Don’t clean your baby after the baby cake ceremony. Everyone loves taking home smeared, chocolate cake on their clothing as a “thank you” souvenir. Besides, grunge is a new, cool look!

What’s your best tip for throwing the worst “first” birthday party ever? Share it with us on Facebook so we can all giggle together!

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